if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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