don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
