Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
