Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
