Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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