I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
