I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
