dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize