I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
