He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
