Someone shit on the floor
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
