somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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