wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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