Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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