im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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