you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
