So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
