Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize