Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
