"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
