this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
