you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
