Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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