I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
