My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
