My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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