Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize