At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This baby is an asshole
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
