If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
