Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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