she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
They have beer where we have blood.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize