At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
