I didn't shave. On purpose
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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