sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
