Your mouth is God's brothel.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
