Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
