hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
