yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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