his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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