i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
