Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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