Where did you get a picture of my penis
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
No subtext here. People are naked.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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