I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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