I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
