Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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