So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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