The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
