I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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