your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
