there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
