Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
