There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
whose parrot is this?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
