So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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