i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
