i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
