Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
