I CAN MOONWALK!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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