i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
try to milk me bitch
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
