You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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