It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
