thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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