I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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