just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
