She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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