she was so not down for the gang bang
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
