Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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