I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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